Okay, am I the only one disturbed by these lyrics? Santa Claus, the supposed embodiment of good, engages in bribery and invasion of privacy, and blacklists anyone who crosses him. Who the hell is this guy? The reincarnation of Joseph McCarthy? I mean, c'mon, the evidence is right there in the lyrics to the above song.

Firstly, the song warns, one had better not misbehave, or else Santa will bring about swift retribution by scribing one's name on his mysterious "Bad" list. That's bribery, pure and simple. Santa obviously has no real control over anyone and has to resort to issuing flacid edicts in the hope that he can scare people enough so they'll be "good." And what kind of example is that for the children? Psychological tests have proven that bribery will actually have negative consequences on developing children in the long run--instead of becoming diciplined, the children actually become more restless and less likely to listen to authority.

Why isn't Santa held accountable for his attempted (and realized) bribery? If corrupt politicians are disgraced for their actions, then shouldn't a jolly fat man responsible for handing out potentially dangerous toys to children--but only if they do his bidding--also be? Call me crazy, but I'd like to think that just because someone runs around in a red jumpsuit and thinks his magical reindeer are flying (hell, Santa's probably a drug addict, what with his powerful hallucinations!), that doesn't mean he should be absolved from acting responsibly and morally.

Next, why is it that Santa gets away blacklisting anyone who looks at him funny? Last I checked, those practices were illegal. But unfortunately, the system is stuck in a self-perpetuating loop: the authorities can't arrest Santa for fear of landing on his "Bad" list; free to do whatever he pleases, Santa doesn't have to be objective and is actually benefitted by even blacklisting some of those who are "good."

Finally, the United States' Constitution's Fourth Amendment guarantees privacy for its citizens. Yet Santa disregards this law repeatedly, year after year, and spies on unsuspecting people. I suppose if the US government can get away with invasion of privacy, then anyone can. But that doesn't make it right.

In the end, there is no reason for us to put so much stock into Santa Claus. He is corrupt, a voyeur, and vengeful. He is completely morally vacuous. Santa's watching, huh? So, too, was Big Brother in Orwell's classic, 1984.

I know it looks bleak, but it's not too late. You can fight the system. This X-mas eve, light a fire in your chimney. Put metal bars on your windows. Barricade the door. Take steps to protect yourself and your loved ones from the Big Red Menace.

Just make sure to whisper. Santa is watching....