However, what exactly makes my site so transcendentally rocktastic?* Is it the fact that my comic is the best on the web? That's a part of it. Is it because my writing style has been compared to a cross between William Shakespeare, Mark Twain, and Ambrose Bierce...only better? Perhaps. Is it 'cuz my HTML skillz far surpass those of Guido van Rossum? Yes. However, you don't even really need to know much HTML or any other language to create a personal website that will quickly be known around the word as rocktastic.

So without further ado, here is Fade Resistant's Guide To Making the Best Website Ever!

Step 1: Figure out what you want your website to be about.

Will it be a personal webpage? Are you going to write a blog? Make a web comic? Porn? These are tough questions you have to think about before starting. Original ideas are always a good place to start; however, if you are either too stupid or too lazy to think of something unique, just copy someone else's idea. What do you think Google is for, anyway? Why, stealing other people's ideas, of course. Find a website that's popular and rip it off, and you'll be well on your way toward reaching rocktasticity.

Step 2: Find a server to host your site.

Yahoo is one of many sites on the internet that offers free web hosting. Others offer web hosting for a price, which can range from expensive to cheap. The free and cheap ones don't offer many options, while the ones that offer many options may be too expensive for your cheap ass, so shop around.

When you finally make up your mind on who you'll give your business to, set up an account and move on to...

Step 3: Start writing your website.

I'm going to assume you know at least a little HTML, or that you know how to use programs like Dreamweaver. If not: tough luck, I'm leaving you behind. Anywho, the first thing you need to do is get as many animated GIFs as possible and liberally sprinkle them around your site. Trust me on this, nobody ever gets tired of animated GIFs. Secondly, put as many hidden things on your site as possible. There are a lot of losers out there searching every little nook and cranny, trying to find hidden stuff that may or may not be there. Now, you don't want to disappoint them, do you? [Editor's note: there are 26 hidden or "special" things spread out on this website. Anyone who finds them all will be given a spot in the Fade Resistant Hall of Fame.]

Third, slander as many people as possible. This is the internet, after all; websites are immune to the law. Don't like your boss? He's a communist. Your sister been getting on your nerves? She got knocked up by a biker named "Krank." Be creative and you can have a lot of fun. "Now," you may be asking, "why should I slander anyone? I'm not that kind of person!" My answer: so what? Happy-go-lucky websites get no traffic because they are boring. The only way to get people to come to your site is by being a jerk. People who agree with you will continue to come by, and those who hate you will keep coming just to continue to fuel their hatred for you.

Lastly, only update your site on a weekly basis. However, you should try to rearrange things every day. Change the color of the text, the order of the pictures. Say you'll update the site tomorrow, and then the next day say the server was down and didn't let you update the site, but that people should come back tomorrow. Rinse, recycle, repeat. This adds the illusion that you've updated the site, even though you haven't. Since people are stupid, they'll continue to come by every day, and this minimizes the work you have to do because the updates only come once a week.

Step 4: Getting your site known.

According to Google, there are roughly 6 million message boards floating around the world wide web. Go to each of them and spam the boards constantly with the URL to your site. Most of these message boards let you register for free, so you can continue to spam them even after they've deleted your original account. If they finally resort to blocking your IP address, just go to an internet cafe or the library and use their computers. If you've got any hacker skillz or know any hackers, then you can get traffic for your site by hacking major traffic sites like Amazon, CNN, eBay, and the White House, and automatically redirecting traffic to your site. If all else fails, spamming people through email can also work, as Yahoo publishes the email addresses of people who have accounts with them. There people will be so relieved that the spam they're receiving isn't about penile or breast enlargement that they'll be happy to check out your site!

Well, that's it. If you follow all of my steps, you'll have a rocktastic website in no time. Remember, be creative, have fun, and watch as the pageviews roll in.

*roc · tas · tic adj.
  1. Wonderful or superb to the extreme; remarkable to the extreme.
  2. The act of rocking fantastically.

NOTE: Fade Resistant and its author condone and endorse neither slander nor hacking, no matter how humorous the results may be.