Well, you know what they say: if you don't appease your fans, the monkeys will eat you.

...Well, maybe they don't actually say that. But it sounds pretty cool anyway, no?

Anywho....

In my opinion, the decline of Western civilization can be directly tied to the increase in reality shows over the years. Since we here at Gnomic.net feel very strongly about helping this worthy cause, we're introducing New Reality Show Ideas: Part Deux!

The trend in recent reality shows is sex, sex, sex, with a hint of lying and cheating. Shows like Paradise Hotel, at their core, are really nothing more than upscale versions of The Jerry Springer Show. And considering the enormous popularity Springer had a few years back, it's not inconceivable to think that FOX, et al would plug some violence into new shows.

With this in mind, I'll introduce my first idea: Honeymoon Blues. The premise is simple: we take a young couple, and throw them bachelor- and bachelorette-parties the night before their wedding. The catch is that we'd get them so liquored up, that they would have absolutely no recollection of what happened that night. THEN, we'd hire attractive models to pose in pictures with the inebriated bride and groom, to give the outward appearance that there was some infidelity.

The next day, the wedding goes off without a hitch, but it's on the honeymoon that the sparks start to fly! We'll wait until the couple is in a very public place, and then bring in the models, one at a time, and have them try to elicit a confession from either husband or wife. The models will show pictures and "tell all," in the hopes that it will force someone to make a decision: stay married, or go away with a model, who will promptly dump their sorry ass. Furthermore, if the couple stays together, they will be rewarded for their marital fidelity with a prize of $100,000. However, if either the husband or wife chooses a model, they will be rewarded for their marital infidelity with a prize of $500,000. Either way, everyone wins and haves a great time playing!

Next up: Extreme Decisions. Remember that scene in Spiderman, where the masked hero had to make a decision, save either Mary Jane or a train full of kids? We'll be taking that same kind of situation, but applying it to normal people without any super powers! The first episode will have a handsome, devoted father--who, by the way, is terrified of heights--on a plane with his wife and 10-year-old son. The wife is flying the small plane, when she "suddenly" collapses. The plane jolts and the son is thrown from it. Now the husband, who has no formal flying experience, must make an "extreme" decision: attempt to land the plane and save his wife, or leave the plane to crash and attempt to save his son.

Of course, to avoid lawsuits, the show would have safety precautions. The son would have sky-diving experience, and would be wearing a parachute; the mother would only be faking, and would right the plane if it were about the crash. However, the fun part is that the husband doesn't know any of this! And to make the husband's decision ever harder, we'll present him with some "startling" revelations before the plane ride: his wife was cheating on him with his best friend, and his son gave his Babe Ruth-signed baseball to a hobo the other day. Who will the husband choose to save? Gotta tune in and feel the extreme pressures to find out!

Lastly, wrestling has become a phenomenon in this country. It's basically a soap opera with fighting; it's everything anyone could ever want in entertainment! With that in mind, I introduce you to Infighting! The idea is simple: we take five ordinary people and lock them in a room together. In the middle of the room is an oxygen tank and one mask. Soon, all the air in the room will be slowly sucked out, and the contestants will be told that they have 20 minutes of air left before they all die, and that the oxygen tank can only support one person. The tension will mount as the time ticks away, and the contestants have to figure out a way to survive! Eventually, fighting for control of the oxygen tank will break out, and since none of them have any formal fighting skills, the hilarity that ensues will be comedic gold! After all the oxygen in the room is sucked out, the winner will receive $1 million, and a spot on any other network reality show, while the losers will be forced to pay their own exorbitant hospital bills. Slogan: "If you ain't doing some infighting, you'd better be dead!"

Personally, I think these ideas are hot, and I hope to one day bring one or more of them to fruition. So if any representatives from FOX, ABC, NBC, CBS, HBO, HGTV, CNN, CSN, AARP, NRA, or QXLI are reading this, email me and we can work out the logistics.

That is all.