Today, millions of people across the world have internet access, and use it to chat with friends, shop, and, especially, read their favorite webcomics. Speaking of webcomics, in 1998, there were only a handful of them around. Now, there are hundreds. To help catalog the massive amount of terrible comics (because, as we all know, the good ones already have a large, established fan base), sites like Top Web Comics and buzzComix formed. Comics there can be voted for, and the comics with the most votes each month appear at the top of the page. It's basically free advertising.

Some sites--like buzzComix, for example--even let readers leave reviews for the author of a particular strip. I was browsing the top 100 the other day, reading reviews, and was shocked by the number of literate reviews being left by readers. I mean, just look at a few of these things:

It's disgusting what passes for a "review" these days.

Where are the mindless "l337 speak" reviews? Or the personal attacks on someone for no reason whatsoever? I was feeling pretty depressed until I saw this:

That's on the right track, but not quite good enough. It quickly became clear that I needed to take matters into my own hands. With that in mind, I now present Fade Resistant's Guide To Writing Reviews:

1.) Use "l337 speak" as much as humanly possible.

For those who don't know, "l337 speak" is when you use numbers and symbols instead of letters. For example, Shakespeare's famous line "A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet" can be changed to "@ rOS3 BY 4nY 0thEr N4M3 WOULd s+1LL 5mEll 45 $w3E+." Get the idea? Good, 'cause you'll be using it a lot. It's been proven that "l337 speak" will soon replace English as the most spoken language in the United States by 2012, so why not get a head start and impress your friends by mastering this tongue? Guys will want to be like you, and girls will want to be with you.

2.) Never, ever be constructive in your criticisms.

Why say "I like the variety of line widths, but I wish you used more colors" when you could simply say "th1$ i$ tH3 W0R5T cOm1c EVER!!1!!!"? It takes far too much effort to be constructive. Leave it to the suckers. NEXT!

3.) The best way to insult someone (and by doing so crippling their ego so much so that they shrivel into a formless mass of flesh) is by questioning their sexuality.

Sex is at the heart of everything in this world, whether you like it or not. And, despite the attempts by the US Supreme Court to make it otherwise, calling someone "gay" (or a similar derivative) is the worst insult imaginable. Furthermore, it will also make you extremely cool and popular the more you use it in everyday speech.

4.) Never finish a complete thought.

Ever.

There are more guidelines for writing a quality review, but this primer will get you started on the right track. Besides, I'm too lazy to write up the rest of them, so just leave me alone. Now go, and unleash the reviews!