- As long as the race of man exists, satirists will never be unemployed.
- Studying is the key to success, but sometimes you lose your key and you have to break the window to get in. Then your hands are all cut up and you have to go to the hospital. The moral: always have a spare under the doormat.
- Sometimes when you're leaving the house to go somewhere, you realize that you forgot something.
- If you're ever on a plane that's careening towards the ocean in a ball of fire, remember to put your life vest on and use the seat cushion as a flotation device. After all, you wouldn't want to drown or anything.
- The next time someone taller than you sits in front of you at a movie, get up and move to his aisle, making sure to drop popcorn and spill soda as you make him move out of your way. Then stalk him.
- The Blue Light Special was called off because of a condition orange that signaled a code red.
- To avoid car theft, get a fuchsia paint job, cut holes in your tires and patch them up yourself, remove the stereo, and remove all oil from the engine. As long as you drive defensively, it should be fine and you'll never have to worry about spending money to buy a Club.
- Our national pastime is filled with childish millionaires and immature billionaires who want to exploit each other and the fans to add an extra zero to their paycheck. And people wonder why terrorists hate us.
- It's been suggested that in the future retinal scans will be used to identify people. If I'd known this earlier, I wouldn't have spent so much time cutting off my fingerprints.
- Better get ready: Spandex is going to make a major comeback in a couple of years.
- Everyone knows Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy and that Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln. Not many people, though, know that Monroe had a cockerspanial named Tom and that Jefferson had a parakeet named Jimmy.
- Sometimes I wish I had the discipline and focus of those Vietnamese monks who lit themselves on fire on protest of the war. I'd be able to get so many things done around the house.
- Note to self: the next time you're sending someone through a wood chipper, make sure the neighbors aren't around.
- There's a small difference between a wave and a microwave.
- Sometimes I wish the world had a "mute" button, but then I remember how much I hate mimes.
- If bugs ever realized how creeped out most people are by them, they would overrun us within hours.
- If I had a dollar for every time I thought about how cool NASCAR drivers are, I'd be bankrupt.
- My patience is inversely proportional to the rate at which technology advances.
- I'm old enough to remember when Music Television actually played music.
- If money is the root of all evil, what's the trunk?
- I went to a museum the other day. One painting I saw was worth at least 1274 words, while another was only worth about 726 words.
- Once, I stayed up for 48 straight hours, got drunk and stoned, downed a bottle of Robitussin, then got in my car and drove around while talking on my cell phone. I get pulled over for the first time in my life and for some reason my insurance skyrockets. I'm thinking of dropping the insurance altogether.
- I've been working at a day camp for a few years now and something just dawned on me: kids are really stupid.
- I've heard people compare the "drama" of professional wrestling to that of Shakespeare's works. I think they were referring to the work he did after being lobotomized.
- When I'm in the mood to see a bunch of idiots say and do really stupid things, I just turn to C-SPAN.
- Anytime someone offers me a bible on the street, I politely decline unless they're willing to accept a copy of "The Complete Guide to Satan Worshiping" in return.
- What, exactly did Shaggy and Scooby do to earn the money for all that weed?
- I can't wait until retro is stupid again.
- The funny thing about the world is that one minute we've found the cure to some terrible disease and the next we're selling it at a 500% markup. Wait, that's not very funny....
- I wish to God that all these religious people would just leave me alone!
- I don't know why people fear the death of someone in a horror movie. If those people are actually stupid enough to put themselves into deadly situations that are easily avoided, then shouldn't we be happy they're ridding themselves from our gene pool?
- I wish I were a vampire. Maybe then people wouldn't make fun of me for being an albino.
- Remember when you were a kid and your mother told you not to contort your face or else it would stay that way? Pretend that it did stay that way. Bet you wish you listened to your mother, now.
- There was a time when people said I was mentally unstable. It's amazing how a little bit of arson can shut people up.
- The key to any long-lasting relationship is patience. And blackmail.
- When they modified my copy of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation to fit my screen, why couldn't they have also modified it to not suck?
- I'd like to have my own personal stuntman some day. That would make my daily death-defying antics much easier.
- I forget, is there a cure for Alzheimer's yet?
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